I started this blog after reading a blog about depression. The author artfully used crudely drawn cartoons and humor to make a very serious point. When I finished reading the posts, I was crying buckets. Not out of sadness but because here was someone who truly understood what I was going through. I could have almost written the post myself if I could draw and if I could use humor so skillfully. The author of that post really hit the nail on the head. It really inspired me.
I have suffered with depression as long as I can remember and for as long as I can remember people have treated me condescendingly. All the usual responses, “You’re just feeling sorry for yourself.”, “Suck it up.”, “It could be worse,” Yada yada yada. Insert condescending and woefully ignorant one liner here._____.
Therefore, reading that blog did something to me. So, I wanted to write a blog to see if I could do what this person did and inspire others. That’s what I intended anyway. Alas, it seems that I only get inspired to write when I am in a deep depression or in a rage. Thus, my blog turned out to be anything but inspiring. I keep everything bottled up inside to avoid all the infuriating comments from others. I also keep it quiet because watching some try to get as far away from you as possible only deepens the dark feelings.
Case in point: My sister in law died last year leaving behind 3 children with only a paraplegic father and myself to care for them. I was met with complete and utter silence as if people were unaware of what I was going through, or they didn’t think it important. Around the exact same time, the mother of a friend of mine died. Everyone clamored around my friend with all kinds of condolences and at the same time criticized me for not going to my friend’s mother’s funeral. Yes. I suppose I should have abandoned my family in a time of crisis to go tend to someone else’s crisis. How selfish of me!
But I digress. The point is that I keep all my feelings bottled up inside because I know not many will understand nor will many care. I’m just feeling sorry for myself after all. Then I flood all my feelings out on paper because things just start bubbling over. Some say it’s therapeutic but I have my doubts.
At any rate this blog is nothing that I wanted it to be. I used it as a place to post all my negativity and bad feelings. I fail to see how that helps me or anyone else that might happen across this blog. Besides that, later on I am filled with shame for putting my feelings out there in the first place. No one wants to hear it. And because so many like me talk about depression so much it has turned into a joke. Depressed people are treated as if people think we want to look like some tragic Greek hero or something. And many have over glamorized the whole idea of depression and other mental illnesses that it is just seen as an attention getting ploy.
If it were only that simple. There is nothing glamorous about it. It’s awful. One has to force themselves just to take a shower and brush their teeth and hair. Depressed people can look pretty darn shabby because they just don’t have the will to care about such things. And attention getting? Not hardly. The quickest way to be abandoned is to tell someone that you are depressed. However, the rest of the world doesn’t see it that way. While I know that awareness would ease the stigma a bit, I am pretty sure I am not the person to bring awareness to the world.
For that reason I am allowing my domain to expire. I can contribute nothing helpful because I am still trying to fix myself. I can only add to the misery that is already in over abundance. Unlike many creative people, my depression kills all creativity rather than giving me inspiration. The only thing positive to come from my sufferings is empathy.
In closing, if you were one of my few readers, I thank you for taking the time and I apologize for the gloom I spread.